October 10, 2011

Excuse Me, ESPN, May I Borrow My Boyfriend?

It's an interesting phenomena, watching a man watch sports. I've noticed some things about them, these sports-enthused men, and these things seem consistent across many sporting events, much in the same way they occur during video gaming experiences.

Observing someone completely engrossed in what I call "Manworld" is fascinating, really. Here's what I noticed:
  • Dialated pupils
  • A distant, yet impressively focused stare
  • Generally, the man is watching, awestruck, open-mouthed (the exception here, of course, is when they are actually yelling at the television, arms outstretched in either outrage or excitement, the reaction seems eerily similar minus the choice vocabulary and facial contortions)
  • Snacks are within 3-4 feet, allowing just enough room to jump off the couch as soon as a big play happens.
  • During a "big play" or something that has the potential to become one, the man will lean forward, as if moving the extra 6 inches closer to the TV will affect the outcome.
  • When his team wins, a man will proudly announce "we won!" whereas after a loss, he may say "yeah, they lost."
  • Attempting to ask a question or make light conversation is generally fruitless as responses will either be something like, "uh, yeah, that's-whoa! Did you see that?!- sorry, what were you saying?" or there simply won't be a response until the commercial break. 
  • Fantasy sports teams are as important as the very breath they breathe, and also account for a great deal of either joy or stress, depending on a particular player's performance in each game.  This is generally true for the younger crowd or the betting-prone.
Now, these things could be endearing if it weren't for the overlapping seasons which mean there could literally be a sport to watch every day of the week. The way I see it, the majority of September and October are pretty much lost. On the other hand, I'm sure bar and grill establishments absolutely love these two months. Add in the extra car and beer commercials, and it's Manheaven.

I also realize I am now at risk of a particularly sarcastic and/or poignant comment from my dear boyfriend. So, I'll come right out and say it: yes, I do also enjoy sports, and yes, I have been very passionate about my Fantasy Football team (which, by the way, is still doing quite well, thank you), and OK, fine, I am completely guilty of the stereotypical "woman questions or comments" during a game that could probably be seen as slightly annoying. However, I say that if ESPN, ABC, and NBC are going to insist on dating my boyfriend with me, then I should at least get to ask questions for clarification during a game or be allowed to make light conversation if I also made the snacks mentioned above.


I guess what I'm really asking is, Sports of the World, may I borrow my boyfriend for a moment? I have a very important comment to make about my new nail polish.


  1. Very nice of you to try to cover your tracks Elizabeth, but it seems still a little understated to me. Let us venture to the mystical land of women sports, and by women sports I mean women watching mens sports, because there is nothing mystical about watching a bunch of females attempting. Anyways, in this not so far away place we find Elizabeth, and what is she doing? Oh, she is placing bets every Monday night on who is going to win Monday Night Football. Don't go too far, because over here we have Elizabeth decked out in Spartan gear boasting about how well they are doing (about damn time they decided to play against other teams and not against themselves). The best part is Fantasy Football. Yes, you are doing well, maybe thats because your'e on your phone every ten minutes checking your players stats and complaining because "lil breezy" hasn't thrown more TD's. Do you realize that you check your fantasy team more than you check Facebook, and thats really stating something!!

  2. Well someone needs a nap!

    I think you're just jealous I'm winning in our Fantasy league!


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